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Funny beer slogans and jokes are included in our humorous beer quotes below - take a look, smile and enjoy!

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Remember "I" before "E",except in Budweiser



Our Lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home
As it is in the pub
Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive
Us our spillages, As we forgive those who
Spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver
Us from hangovers. For thine is the beer,
The bitter, the lager.
Forever and ever,



An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub and order a pint of beer each.
Right after they’ve been served, three flies come and each of them land in one of the glasses.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his beer aside and calls for another one.
The Scotsman doesn’t look too pleased either, but he takes out the fly and takes a big sip of beer.
The Irishman looks most irritated of all, reaches into his glass, pinches the fly in between two fingers while yelling: “spit it out, you bastard, spit it out!”




When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly half that quantity of beer

Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning American author, columnist, comedian and entertainer


Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza

Dave Barry



A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge." 

Tommy Cooper


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive...

Tommy Cooper


I was in my local pub the other night. It’s called The Dumb Fortnight because the beer’s too weak for words. I said to the landlord: “This beer’s flat, warm and full of sediment.” He said: “You’re lucky. You’ve only got a pint of it. I’ve got a b****y cellar-full.

Les Dawson, Comedian



Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Dave Barry


Beauty is in the eye of beer holder

Kinky Friedman, Texan Country singer, songwriter, novelist, humorist, politician and former columnist



Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.

Jack Handy


If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

Jack Handy


Beer, the cause of, and solution to all of life’s problems

Homer Simpson, Animated, fictional character in the TV series: The Simpsons


Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution

Homer Simpson


Alright brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me, so just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with beer

Homer Simpson


When I was seventeen
I drank some very good beer.
I drank some very good beer
I purchased with a fake ID.
My name was Brian McGee.
I stayed up listening to Queen.
When I was seventeen.

Homer Simpson



 What is? - beer jokes



Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?

A: A Budweiser in each hand! 


Q: What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order?

A: "A beer please, and one for the road." 


Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?

A: He buys two cases of Miller Lite instead of one. 


Q: Where do monkeys go to grab a beer?

A: The monkey bars! 


Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in the south?

A: Open other end. 


Q: How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle?

A: None. the lady should already have it open on the table!